To the Dad Who Didn't Want Me

Derrick,
I honestly don't even know where to begin or what to say. I've been sitting here, staring at a blank page for a good 30 minutes, praying the words would just come to me. My brain and heart have been fighting with each other quite a bit the last few days. Part of me wants to just forget you ever existed and keep going with life as always. The other part of me cares too much and wants you to know it.

I've hated you my entire life and I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of always wondering how things would be if you had actually cared and loved us enough to stick around and be a parent. I'm sick of having feelings from time to time of not being good enough. If I had been good enough, you would have stuck around, or at least tried harder to have a relationship with me. None of that matters now, though. I have been very blessed with an amazing father figure who has loved and raised me as his own. So I guess I should thank you for never being here. I wouldn't know and love my dad if it weren't for you. He was there for everything you weren't. He helped me with homework, held me when I cried, disciplined me when I needed it, took me to the doctor when I was sick. He was there for my first date, prom, graduation, college. He walked me down the aisle and was there when I gave birth. He was everything you weren't, and I'll always be grateful for that.

I'm 24 now with a wonderful husband, beautiful daughter, and very handsome son. I'm so glad I don't have to worry about my children growing up without one of their parents. Even if something were to happen and my husband and I divorced, my children would still have both parents in their lives and that makes me happier than I can say. No child should have to grow up without one or both parents. It's just not fair. My children are my world and I'll never understand how anyone can just walk away and not care at all. My life changed for the better when they were born. Being a parent isn't easy, but it's the greatest thing I've ever done. I'm a better person because of them. I am so happy with my life, I can't even explain it. I thank God everyday for giving me the life I have. Lord knows I don't deserve it.

Even after all of these years of hating you, there's still a small part of me who loves and cares about you. That small part of me has been fighting its way to the surface. After thinking and praying to the point of tears, I've come to realize I don't hate you anymore. And as hard as it is, I forgive you. I now know that the hate and anger I felt towards you was only hurting myself. I'm over it now. That doesn't mean it doesn't hurt anymore. It does. I'm just not going to be controlled by hate and anger anymore. I love you and I forgive you. I'll never forget, though.

So I hope you're having a nice life and can live with the way things are. I know my life is better than I ever imagined. I guess I have you to thank for that.

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