Living With Lizzie

They say you can learn a lot about a person by looking into their eyes. The eyes are the window to our soul, after all. I didn’t feel that way when I looked into his eyes, though. When I looked into his eyes for the first time, I saw darkness. I saw an emptiness that was hidden with a smile and words that he knew I wanted, and so desperately longed to hear. The words he spoke to me when we first met were what every little girl desires to hear from her father. But, I knew they were lies. I knew I couldn’t let him in and let him see how torn I was. How torn I was between loving and hating him. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted by my father, but I knew deep down it would never happen. As much as it hurt, I couldn’t make myself vulnerable to his ever so loving tone and sweet demeanor. I knew better. After our visit, I hugged him and told him goodbye. I fought back the tears and walked away from the man who helped create me. I walked away from the man I knew would never love me....

Even though both of my children were planned, getting pregnant with my daughter when my son was only nine months old was nerve wracking. Will and Charli are 18 months and 1 day apart. Some days are stressful and make me want to curl up into a ball and cry. But I wouldn't have it any other way. Here are five things I wish someone would have told me about having my children close in age. 1. They will be best friends . Will and Charli are best friends. They do everything together. People suggested doing one on one things with each child, but we can't without protest from them. They want to be together all the time. If they can't be together, their world comes crashing down. They are happiest in each others company and always bring out the best in each other. 2. They will be fiercely protective of each other. I don't think my husband and I will ever have to worry about either of our children being bullied. It amazes me how protective Will and Charli already ar...

Derrick, I honestly don't even know where to begin or what to say. I've been sitting here, staring at a blank page for a good 30 minutes, praying the words would just come to me. My brain and heart have been fighting with each other quite a bit the last few days. Part of me wants to just forget you ever existed and keep going with life as always. The other part of me cares too much and wants you to know it. I've hated you my entire life and I'm just so sick of it. I'm sick of always wondering how things would be if you had actually cared and loved us enough to stick around and be a parent. I'm sick of having feelings from time to time of not being good enough. If I had been good enough, you would have stuck around, or at least tried harder to have a relationship with me. None of that matters now, though. I have been very blessed with an amazing father figure who has loved and raised me as his own. So I guess I should thank you for never being here. I wouldn...

Dear best friend, Thank you for sticking by me through thick and thin. We've been through so much together and no matter what, you've always had my back. You listen to my drama without judgment, give me the advice I need to hear as opposed to the advice I want to hear, and you always keep me laughing when I want to cry. When I wanted to throw in the towel and stop fighting, you encouraged me to keep going and to never ever give up. You always know what to say and when to say it. Whether it's a word of encouragement or a simple 'I love you', your words always help me get through the day. I don't know where I would be without your unconditional love and devoted friendship. Life is better because I have you. I love you.