Meeting The Man Who Would Never Love Me And What The Meeting Taught Me

They say you can learn a lot about a person by looking into their eyes. The eyes are the window to our soul, after all. I didn’t feel that way when I looked into his eyes, though. When I looked into his eyes for the first time, I saw darkness. I saw an emptiness that was hidden with a smile and words that he knew I wanted, and so desperately longed to hear. The words he spoke to me when we first met were what every little girl desires to hear from her father. But, I knew they were lies. I knew I couldn’t let him in and let him see how torn I was. How torn I was between loving and hating him. I wanted so badly to be loved and accepted by my father, but I knew deep down it would never happen. As much as it hurt, I couldn’t make myself vulnerable to his ever so loving tone and sweet demeanor. I knew better. After our visit, I hugged him and told him goodbye. I fought back the tears and walked away from the man who helped create me. I walked away from the man I knew would never love me.  

Here it is, almost six years later. I still think of our meeting often. I didn't plan on meeting him that day. If I had known I would be seeing his face and hearing his voice for the first time, I would have been better prepared. I would have known that my heart would need extra protection. But I didn't know. Which made it even harder to handle.

If our meeting taught me anything it's that no matter how much you love someone and how hard you try to be a good person, sometimes people, even the ones who should be there, simply won't love you. Our meeting taught me that it's okay, and sometimes better to love from a distance. That sometimes not having someone so important in your life will actually work out in your favor. Our meeting taught me that no matter how much you long for something, not having it may be in your best interest. And if you don't always get what you want, you'll be okay. You'll survive and be stronger for it.

I'll never forget meeting him. I'll never forget the details of his face or the feel of his arms around me. Some days it hurts. But when I look back on my life without him, I realize I'm better for never knowing him. I survived without him.